Happy Two Oh Oh Nine! <3 (HighSchool Love)

Blogger is not a very good blogger. Anyways, oh eight was awesome. two thousand nine will be definitely full of more great stuff. unfortunately, no new story for the new year, i haven't finished writing any new stories! but i have an older story to put up. one that was written 2 years ago, my first story in o6.

my brief round of thank yous `08 on blogger; for full round check my xanga, msn space or facebook.

thank you to all readers and supporters of this story blog. thank you everyone who had made this year so special and fun for me. thank you tvxq for bringing such amazing songs to my life, sharing your talent, representing your country with such great pride, and last but never ever the least, thank you wongfu: wes, ted & phil you guys are the one that inspired me to continue or start this again, you 3 helped me make this happen. you 3 helped me realize how much words can mean. :]

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lame title. sorry, i guess i couldn't think of a good title for this back then.

High School Love

By Alissa Tse

Prologue

A fresh new start, it's somewhere where you can start over with friends, teachers, marks, parents (well, possibly) and love, that’s what they said. They also told me it would be a new beginning for some. Entering high school was supposed to be a fresh start; I wasn't supposed to fall down like this. What went wrong or perhaps what did I do? Maybe I should have believed what a fellow once said "There's no such thing as high school love." Well, there was until Ray left me. I met Ray when I came to high school; he was in more than half my classes and was a pretty smart guy. I remember how I thought he was a nerd until I found out that he just had a deep interest in astronomy. And yeah, I love astronomy; it's beautiful just like art. We still didn't talk much even if we shared that interest until the time Ray supported me in a debate in science class, when he helped me with my solar system model and the time he was there for me when my ex whom I broke up with since grade 8 (he wasn't really my ex-boyfriend; all we did was like each other and were really good friends) had a huge argument with me for not liking him & "dumping" him and not telling him. I remember I ended up crying the whole afternoon at my locker, well when the halls were empty. I tried to keep it in but once I was alone, I just broke down. I guess I wasn't really alone, Ray was there. He came and sat there right beside me and didn't say a single word. My tears just kept on coming out and his sleeve was all wet at the end because he ran out of tissues. That was also the first time he hugged me, I guess he heard the whole argument because he said to me "That dude is a jerk. It's okay. Everything is going to be alright. Trust me. I'm here for you. I promise" I didn't know what time it was but I must have dozed off a bit but it seemed like I cried for ages but Ray was there, the whole time. He never left me alone until now.

Part I

The sewing needle was sitting there on top of my desk tempting me to grab it. I took it and I started to play around with it. Poking it into my skin and making holes that could never be mended. Then I saw it, my tiny scar from a year ago, I poked at it and started to scratch it stroke by stroke. It got itchy and started to hurt but I didn’t feel a thing. Stroke by stroke, it went deeper and deeper, the skin got red but this pattern continued until a tear dropped and blended with the small droplet of blood. I was bleeding. I stopped, looked at my cut and started to laugh. I saw it, another scar forming, I kept laughing and then I broke down. I cried and cried until I felt something or maybe it was someone. Maybe it was Ray here telling me everything was okay like he always did. Maybe he didn’t leave me after all; maybe if I just lifted my head and opened my eyes, he’ll be there to hug me. It was Ray, I could feel it. I opened my eyes. Nothing. I blinked. No one. Nothing was there except my pillow beside me that fell from my bed. There was no one there. I was alone forever by myself. Ray left me forever and he’s not coming back because he’s gone… forever.

Part II

Thoughts were racing through my head, my hands were shaking, my body was still, I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. My heart beat kept going faster and faster, I don't know what was happening, images, words, and everything racing across my head. It was like the dream again, the same dream coming back again and again. It's there when I'm sleeping at night and here when I'm not. I couldn't control myself, it was taking over me. I wanted to grab something, someone to squeeze and hug tight. I must find someone to hug, hide and be protected from. The dream was haunting me, it wouldn't leave me alone, I couldn't write properly, I couldn't think properly and I couldn't run anywhere. I shuffled through the papers on my desk to find someone to call and there it was. The photo of Ray and I at astro night, how i love astronomy, how i love... Ray. I stared at the photo, eyes still, not blinking at all. I kept staring, not moving any part of me. The thoughts and everything were gone now. A small smile appeared on my face then a tear dribbled down my cheek. I sat there, still not moving with the photo in front of me and tears falling down my cheek one by one slowly until I started to cry. Laughing, crying, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know anything anymore. I closed my eyes and I could feel the watery tears surrounding it, then I started seeing stars like that astro night when I was with Ray...

Part III

I don't know why I was doing it again. It didn't matter if I knew what it would be like, I couldn't control myself. I just couldn't. The dream takes over me and now the sewing needle. I don't know what I'm doing to myself. Heal after heal, stroke after stroke, dream after dream, it's not stopping, nothing's changing, it's all staying the same like this forever just like how Ray is gone forever and he isn't coming back ever again. Now nothing is stopping, I remember the astro night when I was lying under the stars with Ray, he was holding my hand, and he had felt my cut that was on my left hand. He sat up and took out hiss cellphone for light. He saw it and asked in a whisper what happened and what was wrong, I told him about it and I said I'd never do it again but I started to cry a bit. But Ray was there, he hugged me and I felt that he was there forever and ever. I thought I would never do it again after that night, no more scars or cuts forever but... why is this happening again, after one whole year, the scar is getting deeper and deeper and it's staying like this on my left hand forever. It's haunting me and it's not leaving me forever. But why? Why did Ray leave me? Why did he have to go away like this? Why is he gone forever and not coming back again? Why?

Part IV

I no longer know who I am, all I can do now is doubt, doubt myself, life and everything around me. I don’t know what is happening; I don’t understand why, why I’m like this. Why Ray left and why I hurt myself this way. I look at the scar and I hate myself, for what I did, maybe that’s why Ray left for the same reason why I want to give up on myself and all the hope in the world. Maybe Ray left because he’s giving up on me because I no longer know who I am, I’m giving… up? Am I? I don’t know, I don’t want to know. Or maybe I’m just trying to run away... but then something is stopping me from running and it’s not letting me continue on. From the day I picked up that needle, it stayed with me, it was like it was part of me, part of my life, it seemed like the perfect answer or solution to all my questions but why does it seem like I don’t know what the answers are? What did I do wrong? I only tried to do well in school, I love astronomy and I love... loved Ray when I came here but what’s happening now. Who am I? Who is…Kera? Who… What… Where... I don’t know myself anymore. And why isn’t Ray here like he promised me. Tears started to roll down my cheeks then there I saw it, an envelope with a letter inside from… from… Ray, maybe he didn’t… didn’t leave me… after all. I opened the enveloped and unfolded the letter, it said:

Dear Kera,

I don’t know how to say this but I love you. From the day we’ve been friends, it’s been the most amazing ever. Thanks for being here in my life and thanks for being my one and only girl. I love you and yes I’ll say it for my first time and perhaps my last time too, I love you deep down from my heart. You have been the greatest and I’ll miss you. I’m sorry I must leave you; it wasn’t supposed to be like this. No “happy HAPPY” endings, I guess? =\ I have left you many of our treasures but do try to forget about me, I promise the treasure will always be somewhere in your closet and your heart. Kera, promise me you’ll be strong, don’t cry because I’m always here beside you no matter where I am. I still love you. Please be happy always, no matter where I am. Don’t cry but keep smiling, because your smile shines my world. And most of all, NEVER give up on yourself, love yourself and don’t give up because I would NEVER give up on you. You know who you are deep inside and you must keep smiling. Don’t ever hurt yourself, we’re all worth to love ourselves and we’re all unique. Don’t hate but love. Kera, stay strong and take care and remember I’m not gone forever because I’m always here with you in your heart, always. Please take care.

Love Always,

Ray

P.S I’m sorry I have to leave and go away for real forever.

I was crying with joys of tear, Ray was the best guy ever. But he had to go and leave me. I didn’t know what to do anymore after reading this letter. But there was more, tucked away in the envelope was a note, it said:

Kera,

I love you, haha. Remember the photo album you gave me? Go into your closet right now. =]

love Ray

I stood up weakly and walked to my closet; I opened it and saw a big box. Inside the box was a photo album. I flipped through it and all our memories were coming back to me, all the good and bad times with Ray. After awhile, I finally got to the end, and there was another note.

Kera,

Keep smiling! Don’t hurt yourself or give up on yourself! Because you know who you are and you’re really special. Look at this album when you’re sad or even when you’re happy. Know that even though I left you forever, I’m really still here, in your heart always. So long, my girl!

love Ray

Ray was really here all along and he finally woke me up to my life, he was always here in my heart. I don’t know why I gave up on myself but Ray never did, he always had faith in my. Ray is in my heart even if he’s gone forever and if he’s not coming back again. Ray, wherever you are, I love you, thanks and I’ll always remember you forever in my heart, I always will.

Epilogue

The sun was bright but I didn’t want to go out just yet. It was quite early in the morning and my whole house was quiet but I liked it. I needed a little quiet, peaceful, alone time. I went to my closet, opened it and took out a big box. I took out the photo album inside and went back to my bed. I opened it and started to look at the photos. It was the greatest memories of Ray and I that will never leave my heart. It’ll stay in my heart forever just like Ray will even if he’s gone forever. =\ It has been a long time ever since that week of my breakdown… Ray had waked me up in what could be a nightmare or dream, he taught me how to stand back up and not give up on myself…ever. A month had passed since Ray’s funeral, I’m sad but for Ray’s sake, I’ll keep smiling but not just for him but myself too. Ray had lived 16 short years but he never was sad, he had the best 16 years of his life. It was not fair that Ray got sick like that but I guess we’ve learn life’s not fair all the time and we just got to cope with it. At the worst times of life, sometimes you just have to laugh it off, like Ray. From the day he was sick to the moment he died, he was still smiling deep down from his heart. I don’t know why God or whoever had to take him away but I guess he’s gone forever and he’s not going to come back. But he’s always here to me because he has never left me in my heart.


~mushroom-chan;; thank.you.&.happy.oh.nine;;